Disownment

The heavy slap of your calloused
open hand still stings my face;
the stampede of your feet
thunders towards me.
Your eyes, glassed
with cheap vodka
burn into me.
It takes everything just to
hold my head down,
to let it pass.

You, maddening elephant,
never leave my mind, pervading
my waking hours; a past
that never lets go. You bleed
into me, toxic, contaminating.
Shocks of panic attack me, and I
wish I were really in the midst
of a heart attack, stroke, a system
shutdown. To not see you
in every pill snorted
swallowed, shoved
into a hole never full, my eyes
slowly reflecting
yours.

Visions of you
like waves push against
my mind, filling it with
sediment, noise, tremors; my gut
heavy like a lead sinker, pulling me
to the bottom. SOS / tell me

it's over.  Tell me
that side of you has been gutted
from me, sliced clean
from the bone.

Let me resurface, the blood
wiped clean from my mouth.